Exploiting Your Marriage for Fun and Profit

It's only fair. My wife has certainly exploited me for profit.

When I first started talking about the Optimally Fuckable Husband Project(TOFHP) publicly, it received way more feedback than I had expected. Both men and women were engaging with the idea, and the vast majority were very positive.

But there was this one cohort of responses I got, that went something like this:

“Okay so you dedicate your life to simping for your wife? What is she doing to make herself better?”

First off, call me a misogynist, but my wife leading the charge in the daily care of our 3 kids and keeping the house in order is fuckable enough for me.

Second off, this type of comment completely misunderstands what TOFHP is about. For the uninitiated, TOFHP was born from the realization that all of the things I want to be better at, and struggle to convince myself to do, are the same things that would make me hotter to my wife.

So if I asked “What will make me a more fuckable husband?” I’ll summon the motivation to make all the changes in my life that I wanted in the first place.

That is the real rebuttal to that comment. The point of TOFHP is not to be some great husband, that is just a probable outcome. My wife’s libido is the compass that guides me, but the destination is that I reap all the benefits for myself, regardless of how my wife responds to the changes.

Which means whether she wants to smash more often or not, I am fitter, healthier, spending more time with my kids, living in a cleaner house, with more stable finances. The destination is for me.

This was the logic that kicked off TOFHP, but the more I’ve looked around at my relationships the more I realized that you can exploit nearly any of your relationships to make yourself a happier, more virtuous person. The other person in that relationship pays nothing, they experience negative harm, and at the other end of it they get someone more capable of living up to the role your relationship puts you in.

Fatherhood is another great example. I want to be as great a role model for my punk children as possible, so that they have the right expectations for themselves and the world. I should be affectionate with my wife so they expect that from a marriage. I should be present with them so they know that they’re important. I should read in front of them so they know it’s not just something you do at school.

Even doing the best I can in my relationship with my dogs makes me way better off. They force me on walks for exercise and interactions with my neighbors. They make me slow down and be present when I smother them with love until they run away from me annoyed.

I can’t think of a single relationship in my life where absolutely crushing my role in it doesn’t benefit me more than anyone else.

So if every relationship has the ability to make you a better person, why aren’t we all awesome people with ripped pecs and fully funded 401ks? I suspect it’s because relationships also kind of suck. All the benefits you’d get from exploiting the relationship are just potential, but the downsides to relationships are felt no matter what.

For example, my kids make me want to have a six-pack. They also want to drink a six-pack. They make messes then whine when we tell them to clean up. They ask for help and then break down when you help them. They break my stuff and are frankly, rather expensive.

The same is certainly true of my wife too. Like any couple, we fight, she nags, and worst of all she sometimes drags me to musicals.

The problem is you have to wade through all of that whether you’re trying to grow or not. So it requires you to prioritize them, even when you aren’t getting anything back.

Just approaching the concept can sometimes feel like working somewhere, never getting a raise, never being appreciated, and suddenly your boss asks if you can work 10 more hours a week, with no bump in salary. Why on earth would you say yes?

The trick is that “I’m doing this for my wife” doesn’t hold up for most people. You’re going to have rough patches. Sometimes long rough patches. “I’m doing this for my kids” isn’t always easy when your kids are being monsters. Showing up for a person works great until that person gives you a reason not to.

What you actually need is a reason that survives them on their worst days, something tied to the relationship but bigger than their behavior on any given off-day.

Everyone already knows what this looks like for Girl Dads. “I want to walk my daughter down the aisle on her wedding day.” Even though it’s what a mythically good dad in a Hallmark movie would focus on, it’s such a good beacon. It guides you to staying healthy and fit. You don’t know how old you’ll be when she’s married, but you better be alive at least. Able to walk without pain would be good. And she has to actually like you which means you’ll need to make memories, and be present, and provide a level of stability that the whole family benefits from.

Wanting to play with your future grandkids takes you down a very similar path.

For me, I focus on how Fuckable my wife finds me. Sure, it doesn’t earn the same Hallmark moment. But for me it leverages something that is constantly in my face, and frankly, a deeply motivating force; my libido.

Because I can attach something as boring as vacuuming to my fuckability, it’s a beacon that encompasses nearly every facet of my life, and holds up even if I happen to dislike my wife a bit that day.

Sometimes relationships suck. The other people in your life won’t always deserve your best. But if you can give it to them anyway, no one will benefit from that more than you.

All you have to do is find your reason.